I realized today that when people criticize me, I don’t listen to them. I agree quickly and cut them off before they have a chance to criticizing. (Before I started dating Doolies, I told her, “I have to warn you, I have a lot of issues.” The criticisms usually relate to those issues.) I realize I cut people off often, and not just for criticisms. I think that I’m very smart and I know what the other person is preparing to say. Since I know, I don’t need to listen because I can finish their sentence for them. It’s all ridiculous.
I also cut off criticisms as a defense mechanism. I have to learn to bite my tongue when someone begins to criticize and hear them out, especially when the criticism comes from a friend or respected colleague. If I’m serious about NEQID, then I need to understand where I’m weak. For all my introspection, self-analysis, and judging of other people, I’ve turned out to be an awful judge of myself—and, to be honest, an awful judge of other people—I always think I know what’s right for them, and I’m usually wrong.
I’m much better at receiving written criticisms. It’s easy to ignore the first reading of mail. But I’m such a narcissist that I have to return to any writing addressed to me, and the more times I reread something, the more difficult it becomes to ignore its contents. That’s not a hint, that’s just how I am.
I doodled for the first time in a while today. I’m not sure what to think of my creation. I always liked the cartoon-building style, and the little people staring at the rising circle thingy, reminded me of the scene in “City of Angels” where the angels wait on the beach for the sunrise. I don’t think I could sit through that movie again, but it was disturbing and very powerful. And it had a great soundtrack.
I spent a few hours working on my Jewish essay, and I tried to polish the short family essay (you can see below how disgustingly I failed). There’s plenty of snow and ice in my neighborhood. It’s nice to be one of the few neighborhoods in Seattle that still has the remnants of the storm.