Write about what is around you. The rain started early. There were blue skies and then there weren’t. Mirrored puddles covered the roads. The drivers didn’t mind as they weren’t worried about how they looked. I cared as I watched the cars pile up around me, each trying to look closer at the reflection of the other cars around them. I only desired to look at my reflection. Write what you hear. The rain pounded on the roof until I couldn’t remember what anything else sounded like. It was like staring at the sun: do it too long and you will always see the sun wherever you look. Write what you feel. It was cold but the sound felt molten in my ears. My ears threatened to melt under the heat. I turned my head but couldn’t find relief. I screamed. “You have to turn down the stove if you don’t want to singe your ears.” She’s a wise woman but someone stole the oven knobs. Write what you see. Wet words covered everything around me. I tried to escape them but they stuck to me like caramel. The more I pulled the more the words separated until letters blackened my fingers. Write what you want. Silence buffeted the drops. The silence was rhythmic, much more so than the rain could ever hope. In that silence I found calm. If you look hard enough you can locate its center. The fastest spot on a merry-go-round is along the outer edge. If you stand near the center you will spin slower. If you stand at the center you won’t move. The world is the same way. Find its center and you can remain there forever without moving forward. The trick is to find the center of life and revel in it. The center slows down life while you remain there. It connects you to something bigger than yourself. In that way you escape the unimportant parts and realize that the infinite truly surrounds you. Not only does it surround you but that you can be part of it. You can be part of the infinite.

An inky black descended on me today. Doolies thinks it’s my time of the month. The morning found me tired but satisfied. After yesterday’s workout I worried that my head would ruin my big day. It was quiet this morning and remained so the rest of the day, hiding its hammers for the time being. In exchange it drew down its black curtain. Work was slow as is its wont for the two weeks between Christmas and New Years. It’s not something I tend to complain about. I had my spacebar fixed today. It’s amazing what corporate IT departments can do when they put their minds to it.

Most Thursdays I spend my lunch break in a rabbi’s class. I went there today hoping it would break the monotony and punch through my curtain. The class was crowded as people had little excuse for not attending. If you were at work chances were that you had the time. It was an ordinary discussion. I was silent most of the time, staring at the walls and playing with the wires in the cabinet. I chimed in at the end. I didn’t have much to add, more cynical and unhelpful observations and complaints. We are approaching the topic of prayer, something I have many questions about. I know about its mechanics but I don’t understand its purpose or “what’s in it for me.”

While discussing some of these points another student interrupted our conversation. My vision flashed red. I don’t know why he angered me. What he said wasn’t relevant to the conversation and it was slightly belittling, but I’ve heard worse. It was my black mood rearing itself up. I resisted responding. Any response would have been heated and violent. I let it pass and returned to staring at the walls.

I’m not sure what caused this mood. Usually I can point to something, some small action or inaction, some wrong decision or slight that at the time I don’t realize affects me so strongly. I looked through the past two days and didn’t find much. It could be the birthday blues. They write songs about it. But I’m not feeling particularly bad about this birthday. I’m in a good job, preparing to marry a beautiful and intelligent woman, living in a big house, managing to write every day, exploring my spiritual and philosophical side, and still fitting in time to play video games and watch movies. I don’t get to see my family as much as I would like, and I’m not living in my first choice city, but these I hope to rectify in the future.

As I was saying, I don’t think the blackness is because of my situation or regrets about my birthday. Sometimes the ink can’t be explained, I guess. I wish I had better news than that but there it is. It’s early in the evening and the black ink is running and I’m hoping it passes before the rest of the evening is wasted.

We decided not to go out as we had originally planned. It’s raining and cold and Doolies bought yummy lamb chops from Albertson’s and we decided to stay in and enjoy each other’s company for my birthday evening. I will finish penning these words, go downstairs to eat my cake, and we’ll do our Hebrew lessons. It should be a good night. I’ll sleep in tomorrow and go to work for a few hours. We fly to Dallas on Saturday morning and I return on Tuesday. I’ll meet Doolies in Buffalo next weekend. My week should be slow at work, and I expect I’ll have plenty of time to write and catch up on video games. Maybe I’ll plan and write an actual story. More likely I’ll consternate the time away. Maybe my black mood will survive my birthday and continue unabated through the week. It’s not important. The now is what is important. It is always the now that is important.

It’s nice to type with a spacebar again. I don’t have to worry about whether it was pressed, no more backspacing so I can repress it. It’s relaxing and freeing, is what it is. Everyone should have a working spacebar. There, that’s my birthday wish: a working spacebar for all.