I meant to work more on this when I arrived home, but video games found me and didn’t let me go until late. We at least won, if that’s any consolation. And, yeah, I know this is too clever and doesn’t go anywhere. I’m reading DFW, so you can blame him for that.

“He’s watching and following me around.”

“Who’s that?”

“Him, you know—the watcher, Big Brother, The Man, He Who Knows Everything—Him.”

“You mean God?”

“I don’t know if I would call him God.”

“Would it concern you if God followed you around, if he was watching everything you said and everything you did?”

“I wouldn’t mind it if the Big Cheese watched everything I did. I mean, he has to watch everything I do, he’s omnipotent, isn’t he?”

“Omniscient you mean of course.”

“Omniscient, omnipotent, you’re not inspiring confidence, doc. I thought you said this was a non-confrontational space, that I can speak my mind and not worry about judging or evaluating or note taking, or anything remotely dangerous.”

“I’m sorry. It’s a habit of mine is all. I studied ontology in college and those words had very specific meanings. Omnipotent means all powerful and omniscient means all knowing. Most people don’t know that, and I wasn’t thinking less of you, but I did want you to understand the difference.”

“Wouldn’t a being that’s all powerful necessarily be all knowing?”

“Arguably, but that’s not the intention of the word.”

“That seems a rather ridiculous division. I can imagine an omniscient being not being omnipotent—although, even that is difficult—but for an omnipotent being not to be omniscient, that seems incredible. I mean, isn’t part of being all powerful is the ability to use that power to know things. And if you can know everything, wouldn’t you necessarily know everything. If you take it from that angle, that is, one of the powers in all powers is knowledge, then you can see that an omnipotent being must be omniscient. But I understand why you shared that difference.”

“. . .”

“I’m okay with it, doc. People always try to appear superior to me, judge me and try to find me wanting. I’m used to it.”

“Leaving aside that that wasn’t what I was doing—I wouldn’t do that with you, of course. I’m here to help, not prove that I’m better than you, but let’s leave that to one side for another time. The best way I can show you what I’m trying to do here is to help you with your real problems, and I figure if you don’t think I’m helping, you’ll find someone else. Getting back to your development, why do you think people judge you—what are they trying to prove?”

“They’re judging me to find me wanting, obviously. They think because I accomplished so much at such a young age, that doesn’t mean I’m better than they are. I’m just luckier.”

“Your analysis is a good starting point. We can look at it in two ways: the first is that we analyze your analysis for its truth, and second is that we can analyze your analysis for what it says about you, what your beliefs are, why these issues surface with you. Let’s start with the second one.”

“We’re starting there because you don’t give much credence to my thoughts, eh, doc?”

“I already explained that I give great weight to your thoughts. But we’re not here to analyze just your thoughts—you can do that without me. We’re here to analyze the motivation behind your thoughts, find where your problem areas are to help you improve.”

“So, what do my thoughts about people judging me tell you about me?”

“What do they tell you about yourself?”

“Don’t throw that shit back at me. I already told you what I think. I think it’s a valid argument. You should have seen the broker’s face when I told him I’d like to buy my vacation home. He tried to call my mother to find out if I was serious—my mother! He couldn’t believe that I earned all that money by myself, with my own hard work and my own brainpower. He was sure I either inherited it or won the lotto or something. God forbid I was smart.”

—If they didn’t find me wanting, do you think I’d be paying you $300 an hour to speak?”

“I thought we agreed not to talk about this as something you’re paying for, but something that a normal, well-adjusted person needs, like they need clothing or medical treatment of a non-judgmental type. If you think of it from that perspective, then perhaps you’ll remember that we’re here for your good.”

“I remember, doc. I’m trying to get better with this complex of mine. Where were we?”

“. . .”

“I don’t want you to take it personal.