Don’t consternate, don’t consternate

Saturday, January 6, 2007

“Stay on target, stay on target.” Write something! Don’t scroll down here and add words just to add words. But it’s so hard! I want to finish this. I want to end this today so I can get back to our wedding website. We made huge leaps today on its design, and I’m hoping to have it finished by the end of the weekend. But I need to get through this first. Otherwise there’s no way I’m going to write today until late tonight when I peel myself off the computer and away from my current project. Imagine I can apply that dedication and addiction to writing. I would be here every night all night pounding away and trying to say something, to finish just one more sentence. Maybe that’s a sign. Maybe this is becoming too much like work and not enough like fun pleasure. Who am I kidding? This has never been fun pleasure.

And here I go, consternating away when the first two paragraphs of my quasi-story lingers at the top of the page, unloved and unfinished, with little in the way of hope. Poor Rebecca and Charlie, I had high hopes for them. I thought they would really be somebody. But they won’t be. They’ll be glued onto my entry to make a few hundred more words as I pound away toward this stupid Goal. Speaking of stupid Goals, I haven’t made the Moleskine Goal in two days. That may be an occasional thing instead of a daily thing. There are days where I’m too busy (or lazy) to write anything during the non-evening parts of the day.

Ah who am I kidding with this? I did hit my essay for about twenty words. I do want to finish that and I do want to get started on the ping-pong story. So many things I want to do. Regrettably it’s 8pm and I have nothing in the way of creativity pouring from my fingers. The energy is slight and I’m doing all I can to push through Goal and post this garbage.

Doolies is angry at my last entry. She thinks I made too much fun of her or something. I thought it was awfully funny. For a day where I thought I had no energy and would say nothing (I didn’t end up saying anything, but that’s beside the point), it turned out funnier than I thought (funny to me, of course—much different from funny to anyone else).

There goes the halfway part. Where does the time go? I think I have all day to do things, and then all day passes and I’m left with nothing done except the day. That’s not true. I do things, things that take longer than I expect, all things that are fun for me, and I leave the less fun projects (which, regrettably, sometimes includes writing these terrible entries) until later at night. I realize it’s a time thing. There I go: I need to experiment. I need to find the ultimate time to finish my writing each day. I’ll check my output/hour verse the time I start writing. I should probably check some other variables also. Perhaps yummy caffeine intake, or Doolies availability. I’ll start a spreadsheet and start collecting numbers.

There, even if nothing else comes of today’s wasted entry, at least I have this idea for the spreadsheet. Here’s the data I’m collecting: Date, Starting Time, Ending Time, Total Words, Feeling (1-5, 5 being great, 1 being terrible), and shots of caffeine. I don’t have data for today since I thought of it too late. But there you have it. I can now document my failures. Failures aren’t real failures unless they’re placed on nice line graphs. I can’t wait to get a few weeks of data to start seeing the pattern. I’m assuming it’s going to be very ugly.

Almost done, and none too soon. This would be a two on the energy scale day, by the way. It’s not terrible getting the words out, but the words are terrible. Maybe I should split that into two. That makes much more sense: I’ve turned the Feeling category into two sub-categories, Ease (1-5) and quality (1-5). This would be a 3 on the Ease and a 2 on Quality. I also have the advantage of pulling word count and other details such as categories from

Okay, enough babbling. I need a few more paragraphs and then I can tie a ribbon around this and post it. I can’t even reread today’s entry for the small amount of editing I usual supply. It’s too sad. That’s okay. I need to get moving on my project, and I’ve told you how I get when I project waits for me. I can’t wait to dig in and finish it, especially when there’s coding or drawing or fun computer stuff involved. Doolies is picking out the photographs for the wedding website. I’ll be needing those rather soon. Here are the last fifteen words. Aren’t you lucky to be part of this (non-edited-out) words?