As part of Doolies's conversion process, the Rabbi asked both of us to write a three-page essay based on eight questions. The plan is to answer the same eight questions at the end of the year-long program to show how we've progressed. Here are my answers:

1. Please describe your background including your parents’ background and your general education and profession.

Born in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn to Sheldon and Lidia Figatner, I was raised between two sisters in a conservative Jewish household. Both my parents were Jewish, but my mother’s family was more observant, and we tended to reflect her family’s traditions: We attended Shul on the high holy days and life events; I studied and participated in a bar mitzvah; we hosted Seder dinner each Passover; and we kept a Kosher household of convenience, the type where you had three sets of dishes: one for dairy, one for meat, and the paper one for take-out. I grew up with mostly Jewish friends in public schools, and attended five years of Hebrew school and an Orthodox Jewish day camp for over ten years.

I went to college at SUNY Binghamton, where I received a B.S. in Computer Science and a B.A. in Philosophy. After a year as a computer programmer in Washington, D.C., I enrolled in graduate school at Syracuse University, where I graduated in 1999 with a J.D. and a M.S. in Computer Engineering. I worked in a law firm in NYC for a few years, moved to Houston, Texas for an in-house counsel job (where I met Doolies), and am now working in Redmond, Washington as a legal counsel for a software company.

2. Please describe the process that led you to undertake serious study of Judaism.

I was an inquisitive and restless child, and besides the social aspects, I did not much understand or enjoy Judaism. The Jewish services bored me, involving much standing and sitting, and the chanting in a language that while I could sound out and pronounce, I never understood or developed the desire to understand. I was at best an adequate student at Hebrew school, and while I tended to enjoy the more spiritual discussions, I grew frustrated with the underlying acceptance of God, which I felt should not be glossed over as a given. Then as now, I wanted the question of God’s existence to be the focus of discussions. As a typical teenager boy, I worshipped at the altar of logic and found it difficult to fit the concept of God in with this mega-rational view of the world.

When I look back at my childhood, I realize that I learned much about the traditions and history of Judaism at home, in Hebrew school, and particularly during my time at the orthodox day camp. Even while uninterested, I absorbed many of the teachings, as philosophies, arguments, and basic understanding tend to stick in my head like popcorn in one’s teeth.

At around 13 years of age, my father died of cancer. My mother claims that his death turned me away from Judaism. There is certainly truth to that, but not in the way that she thinks. While we sat Shiva, the local rabbi gave me the purple- and black-colored book On Death and Dying, an explanation of the Jewish way of dying, which focused on the Jewish ceremonies and beliefs around death. Again, the book failed to cover what my teenage mind most craved: an understanding of the why’s and what’s of Judaism at the spiritual level. I was a voracious reader, and although I devoured the book, it helped little in answering my real question: I wanted to understand faith and belief, and, underlying it all, meaning. At the same time, I was not ready to discuss my feelings about my father’s death, all of which conspired to keep away any possible spiritual development.

In college, I continued to cling to logic as the answer to life’s questions. I studied philosophy and became adept at questioning and debating. I developed an argument about the existence of God that I honed to a razor’s edge. Let me see if I can still remember it: in most faiths, God is omnipotent (all-powerful). To be omnipotent God must live outside of time, since living within time’s flows (here, I would provide examples of single- and multiple-branched timelines), would be limiting to an all-powerful God. Another aspect of being omnipotent, however, is the ability to make changes. Since change is a function of time (for example, changing from sunshine to rain, or the separating of the Red Sea, both of which can only happen in a timeline), God, existing outside of time, is incapable of making those changes. To further clarify, change presupposes an original state of being followed by a new state of being; something a being living outside of time could not accomplish since he would necessarily be stationary in the timeline, unable to change in any way or exert his influence, since both change and influence happens only in time. Thus—I would proclaim with a triumphant egotism only available to the college-aged who know too much about too little—God cannot be omnipotent and affect change, and therefore cannot exist.

Thanks in part to my relationship with Doolies, I have grown to understand my feelings better, and I now believe that life cannot be explained through pure reasoning. I still, however, feel a vast emptiness in the spiritual reaches of my life. Over the years, I have continued to read Jewish texts and participate in Jewish study groups, all in the hope of finding connections and understandings. I believe that Doolies’s conversion process is another step in my journey. It gives me the opportunity to learn and question with her, and provides me with a beautiful set of eyes that will look on Judaism with a virgin understanding and hopefully explain to me truths that I can no longer see because of my scarred vision.

3. What are the beliefs and values in Judaism that you find most appealing and persuasive?

Judaism has many wonderful aspects. First, as I discussed above, I hope to find spiritual answers that will help me understand better existence and purpose. Second, since leaving school, I have missed the debate and study offered by challenging concepts and meaningful conversations. I believe that Judaism’s focus on learning through debate—particularly as it relates to spiritual aspects and to a lesser extent as it relates to the purely legal aspects (something I see too much of because of my profession)—will allow me to reignite my intellectual pursuits. Third, I’ve always been impressed by the charitable teachings of Judaism, including Suduka and community support. And, finally, when done properly, Judaism provides a wonderful sense of community, something that, outside of my family and far-flung friends, I have not known.

4. What experience do you have with mitzvoth and Jewish practices? Have you incorporated any specific Jewish Practices into your life at this time?

After growing up with a quasi-Kosher lifestyle, I have moved away from many of the Kosher aspects of life. I have begun making conscious efforts to begin reintroducing some of those aspects back into my life, including watching more particularly what I’m eating, spending more time discussing and studying Judaism, attending more Shabbat services, and learning with Doolies about Judaism. As we continue to learn and practice, I hope to incorporate more of the mitzvots into our lives.

5. What is your web of Jewish relationships? Do any of your friends or family mentor you in Jewish life or discuss with you Jewish issues and concerns? Are you currently involved with a Jewish organization or synagogue?

I have not affiliated with any synagogues since leaving Brooklyn. I hope that during this process I will find a synagogue and community that Doolies and I feel comfortable living, praying, and studying in. For obvious reasons, my family is supportive of the road on which Doolies and I are embarking.

6. In what ways do you feel that Judaism answers questions that were unanswered before you started on this path? If you were previously associated with another religious community, why did you decide to leave that community?

All something I hope to discover during this journey.

7. What aspects of Judaism do you find challenging? How do you want to approach them during the coming year?

There are many aspects of organized Judaism that I find challenging. Briefly (because I’m rapidly approaching that three-page limit—even though I already cheated by changing the spacing), Judaism’s belief that it is the chosen people disturbs me. I believe that this sense of elitism has dogged the Jewish people throughout its existence and resulted in much of its history of persecution (it also, I admit, was one of the main reasons for the success of Judaism—as I like to say, all religions have different “survival characteristics” (and here, I usually invoke a comparison between religions and viruses). Besides monotheism, Judaism’s great survival characteristic is its belief that god chose its own people). Additionally, Judaism, because of when it developed, tends to be sexist. In the Shul I grew up with, woman were not counted in the minyan and were not allowed to be rabbis or read from the Torah. There are also aspects that I see as unappealing in enjoying modern life, including many of the dietary rules, which tends to create very separate community for Jews and non-Jews. And, finally, growing up, I felt a sense that the practice of Judaism relied too heavily on money, e.g., my Shul collected tickets during the high holy days (refusing the opportunity to pray to those without), and allowed payment for the remembrance of the dead, a practice that I still find dirty.

8. Do you know which stream of Judaism is most appealing to you? Why?

Having grown up as a Conservative Jew, I am interested in learning more about the other aspects of Judaism, and particularly the Orthodox movement. In my experience, Orthodox Judaism tends to approach Judaism from a more vigorous intellectual and spiritual standpoint. I have my reservations, of course, and this is something I look forward to exploring with Doolies, and perhaps pursuing in the future.