headaches and awfulness

Wednesday, March 3, 2004

Today was not a good day. I was in a great mood yesterday, work was done, errands were run, phone calls were planned, and I felt wonderful. That feeling did not last into the morning. I woke up miserable and stayed miserable throughout the entire day. I didn’t make it the full day at work because of the pounding in my head. It’s mostly cleared now, I think. I’m not sure what if anything I’m going to write now, but I feel I need to say something so the day is not a complete waste.

I don’t understand how my moods can swing so far between two days. Not only did my head pound, but everything and anything anyone said to me today I took the wrong way. Part of the reason may be that I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I wake up between four and six in the morning, only to fall asleep a few minutes to hours later. I’m not sure why this is happening. I’m usually a good sleeper—some may say too good of a sleeper. I took a twenty-minute nap while watching the “South Park Movie” (excellent musical, if you haven’t seen it) and that’s what cleared my head. I still feel a slight pain deep in the back of my head, but it’s not debilitating anymore.

I have to confess that I succumbed to my addiction and played video games yesterday and today (twice today, to be honest). My mind was racing yesterday, and I couldn’t figure out what else I could do to calm it down. That’s when I played Jedi. Today, I just wanted the day to end, and I thought if I played games, the day would go by faster. Of course, the games just increased my headache, but only when I finished playing. While I was playing, I felt fine—better than fine, really, great. I’m going to go back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon?) and not play again.

Perhaps this time I should destroy the CD—I’ve done that in the past. When I was addicted to Dark Age of Camelot, a role-playing, fantasy video game that I played incessantly, I destroyed the CD to stop myself from playing. This lasted a few months, until I bought the game again and reinstalled it. Sad, huh. I’ve since stopped playing that game, and did it without destroying the CD a second time.

I don’t know why typing gets me thirsty, but I can really use a caffeinated, chocolate drink right about now.

I’m still struggling through my Lost Monster story. As I’ve been saying, I’ve been having trouble putting the scene together after planning it. I had another realization yesterday. I was reading Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead and I began to think of the way I planned each of my scenes. In Rand’s book, each of her scenes is deliberate and moves the plot forward. There are no slow parts, which is rare for any book, especially one written in the 1940s. Most books from before TV and movies dominated the entertainment market, were slow—probably because people had more patience before the multitasking, instant media gratification took control of our very impressionable brains. The reason her book moves so well is that she chooses scenes consciously. In my story, I’ve (just about) figured out the main plotline and the characters. The scenes I’ve chosen, however, have been haphazard and based not upon moving the plot forward, but on something I can say or describe.

I know some of you think I overanalyze my writing and I should just do it without so much thought. I wish I could. Sometimes my writing comes out without planning. Other times, I get this thought stuck in my brain that I want to write something important and meaningful, and the only way for me to do that, is to understand what I’m doing. But enough worrying. I’ll think about what I want to think about, and if it’s unhealthy, it’s unhealthy. I can live with it. I’ll get over these psycho-dramas that play in my mind and get back to doing what I like.

As I was saying, I want the scenes I choose to mean more than just a way to get across an idea. This is not coming out right. I’ll give you an example. The first scene of my story is designed to introduce the main characters, named (for now) Stan and Janet. I wanted to explain their relationship and how they relate to each other. Additionally, I wanted to show the conflict, Janet’s disdain of children, and Stan’s uncertainty about whether he wants them. For the first scene, I choose (rather randomly) the art gallery Doolies and I visited in Puerto Vallarta. I won’t go into the details, but there’s a story there. My concern is that I chose it more because I had a story to tell there than because it makes sense in the story. I’m not sure what would make a better scene. I feel somewhat limited in this.

Here I go again, consternating and second-guessing myself. None of this is very interesting. Rereading the last few paragraphs, I think the scene I chose is not awful. It makes sense in the story and can push the story forward (if I can ever get around to finishing it instead of just talking about it). I just wish I didn’t have to use real stories as the basis for all my scenes. I don’t lead an exciting life, and I’m afraid my well of real-life stories has only a few drops. But that’s something for another consternated musing. For now, I’m going to forget about these thoughts and try to go write.

I’m coughing a bit. Hopefully I’m not coming down with something. I’m heading to NYC for the weekend for a CLE class and a visit with family and friends. That was more than I wanted to write here. Sorry for the depressing and non-entertaining musing. My brain is not work well today. It should be fixed by next time.