Wednesday, March 2, 2005

The following are raw thoughts I had this morning. (Read that as: damn, why does he post this shit? I ain’t going to read it. I’d rather rake my eyes with a fork.)

I write to hear thoughts. My words, when I hear them, are profound, but others hear them as only words, words that fall on blinded eyes. I suffer the curse of inaction, the loss of impetus to action. Inertia keeps me, and I obey its whims. I should fill my moments with doing; instead, I fill my moments with waiting.

I woke up deliciously depressed, drained of any semblance of any energy. I stared at myself. And I looked through the internet. And I found nothing. Nothing. It may have been for hours, and I couldn’t think to do anything; I didn’t want to do anything. This is how depression leaves you, with the inability to act. And I realized that I was worrying, I was thinking about other moments, and how unsatisfying those moments are, and how I’m unfair to this moment.

I’m suffering from an anxiety of the future and past. I need to get over it. I need to worry about the now without being anxious. In other words, I need to find my center. My center is the moment; the moment is now. The moment is not the future. What happened in the future, what happened in the past can and should influence me. But I should acknowledge it and live. I harbor and worry about not getting stuff done. I live with a desire to find a good moment without wondering what the present moment holds. I’m always look forward, or berating myself for the past. For this moment, I do little but sit there. I become anxious and I don’t want to finish my thought because I’m worrying about what the future might hold, or worrying about why the last moments did not go as well as perhaps the next moments will go. And if this moment is not going as well as the next moment, then perhaps that’s caused by me not doing he right thing in this moment. I’m not “savoring” the moment (because that word is awfully clichéd and not terribly accurate).

Stop not doing things, do things. That’s the important part. You have to live the moment, you can’t just let the moment pass by or use the moment to worry about other moments. That’s the secret, that’s what I’m not doing. I’m so anxious and worried about what happened in the past or what’s happening in the future that I don’t wonder what’s happening now.

The problem is that I don’t always feel this way. I don’t always feel this inspiration where I know if I wasn’t driving write now I’d be typing (this is transcribed from my voice recorder) my thoughts.

Fatigue descends and conquers. Edit! I sit around too much and create instead of finishing my creations. Whatever have I been good at except enjoying my own creations?

There was more, but my voice recorder didn’t record. You didn’t miss much, trust me.