bitter reflections

Friday, March 19, 2004

I had some additional thoughts I had to get out after I wrote the following musing. I couldn't sleep until I put them down. They relate to the website and my sharing of my thoughts and writings. I was thinking whether I should post the musing below. It's a bunch of crap about my story synopsis, it's not well organized, and it's certainly not good reading.

While staring at the ceiling and thinking, I remembered the real purpose of this website. While I enjoy sharing my thoughts and writings with friends and family and the random explorer, that was not my intention. I have written a number of musings with this audience in mind, but, in general, I am not writing for that audience. This website was designed to document my thoughts and ideas for me. It was not designed to be a blog or a diary. I don't want it to be that. There are times when my musings are just that, and that's fine. But I don't want to fall into a rut where I only post (and write) musings and thoughts that are designed to amuse. I will do that, but I want to cut the string and tell you that that's not always my intention for my musings.

I don't always share what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel things that I just don't want to talk about. Other times, I think things that I have no desire to put down. I write when I have to or want to write. Sometimes I write to entertain. Other times I write because I'm angry or sad. Rarely (regrettably), I write to tell a story. And, at times, I write to update my life for you and me. The quality of the writing and the topic will usually tell you which category a musing falls into. I have to remind myself (and you) that I write this for me. (All mine; mine, mine, mine.) It is a selfish thing, but I'm comfortable with it. The most selfish thing I do is post it. Even if it's crap, it's sometimes nice to know that someone else reads it, listens to my inner demons and spurts of inspiration, even after I belittle them and tell them it's not written for them. Go figure.

For example, Doolies asked me why I had not written about her in a while. It's not because I haven't thought about her, because I have. It's also not because I don't have feelings for her, because I do. It's because that's not what I wanted to write. I could write (and I'm sure she'd love to read) paragraphs on my feelings toward her. What I don't want to do is force those thoughts onto paper. I wouldn't force them in the sense that I don't think them; it's more not ready in the sense that I haven't written them down yet. That doesn't make any sense, but you'll have to believe me here.

Similarly, my mother gets worried when she reads some of my more depressing musings. I use this as an outlet for my feelings. I'm not suicidal (and have never been suicidal). I sometimes write dark thoughts and feelings, and as long as you remember that I'm writing them for me (and for the voyeurs in the world), you shouldn't worry.

Those last paragraphs sounded rather bitter. I just had to get this out. I'm not sure whom I'm angry with. I think it's mostly me. I don't want to filter what I say here. Sometimes the writing will be raw, and other times it will be polished. You don't have to read the polished stuff if it doesn't amuse you, and you certainly don't have to read the raw stuff. But I put it up here anyway. Just understand where it's coming from and what my intention is. These are my thoughts for me. Anything in addition to that is gravy, sometimes tasty gravy, but still gravy. You can eat the meat without it (by meat I mean photos, finished stories, and bad poetry).

Now, onto my bad musing:

I'm trying not to fall asleep. It's 1833 (that's 6:33pm in American time) and I thought I'd type a musing to try to stem the inevitable pull of the bed. I've been traveling since last Saturday, making my quarterly trip to Norway. With jet lag and a cold I picked up in Stavanger, this has been a horrid trip. My jet lag is wearing away, and my cold has been improving since I slept last night; I didn't sleep the previous three nights.

Since I've been unable to fall asleep tonight (it's past 0200), I figured I'd write down some of my thoughts. After I finish my current story, I want to start work on a longer story'the immortality pill. I want to use it to explore the genius: the dedication to an ideal, the no-compromise position that Ayn Rand explored in Roark. The conflict is between this person and living in society. Roark was able to live in society. Most geniuses are not capable of doing that. Peter Keating was not the opposite of Roark, like Ayn described. Peter Keating was weak. There are stronger, compromising people, who do things within the bounds of genius, and still work for society. They might not innovate, but they take the innovation and actual bring it into practice.

Steinbeck explored that in the introduction to part II of his book. He went through the single person has all the ideas, and society destroys ideas. Nothing creative ever came out of more than one person. Collaboration does not equal creation. Groups cannot innovate, they can only improve what has already been innovated (not sure what the difference is between the two). For the immortality story, the person trying to free the society is a Roark. He has teamed up with a Keating. Not sure how it's going to work'but my most cliché¤ thought would be that the Roark character is the insider who escapes after realizing that the society was falling into itself. His co-conspirator, when he gets back, is the Keating character. He changes society after Roark convinces him it needs changing. The Keating character takes the innovation and makes it a reality, with prodding from Roark, as well as planning and the spark of innovation. The Keating character is the only one that survives at the end, with a stash of I-pills.

This needs more development, but it's a good start. It's a good story to tell, probably more of a novel length, but we'll see how it goes. I just have to get back and finish my current story before I begin work on that one. I wish it was going better, but you know how it goes. Bad.

I'm going to try to get to sleep now. It's not going too well. Part of that is because of the stupid TV. The TV did help me'it, once again, presented the innovator/follower dynamic, this time in the person of a rock video director (the French one who did the Lego-video). He's obviously an innovator.